I’m going to be that powerful one day. I want to stand by the bar of the company party and never once have to move. People will come by looking to talk to me, to get just a couple of minutes in my presence. Tonight I looked on in awe one of him as the little analysts crept into the circle hoping to steal a moment of his time. One day I will outgrow the little analyst title. I will get to feel what he felt like tonight. I know I can do this. I know it.

Thoughts x 3

I think it’s been years since I’ve written one of these. I should be writing about the lsat, but truthfully I can barely remember taking it. The most important things don’t always feel the most important. I don’t mean to abandon people but I know I do. “I asked about your summer house,” he reminded me. “I figured something must have been horribly wrong when you didn’t respond.” 8 months and he still remembers the last words he spoke to me. She can’t stand me, I know it- I get it. I’m not objectively hot, I don’t care to dance like people are watching. That’s okay. No really it is. Maybe I should stop leaving people, treating them like dust. Sweeping them into corners and then complaining they never existed. “I didn’t realize no one at this table ate tortillas,” I whispered to her. She laughed out loud, “Thank god I’m not the only one that noticed.” I tell myself if the difference between me and her is a tortilla, I’d take the tortilla. Sometimes I think that’s a lie. Perhaps I’ll text him tomorrow and apologize. Offer to buy a drink. There’s still so much to do this fall, but I suppose I have the time to give a shit. I can’t keep my eyes open any longer, pray the ibuprofen will fight the hangover.

This blog is sad- triggering even. I find myself reading it at my lowest, most lonely moments. I’m not sure what comfort it brings. Maybe because it reminds me that I’ve faced these feelings before and survived them. Maybe it’s just nostalgia- some part of me enjoys the pain of the past.

Tonight I’m staying in a hotel much too fancy for a analyst. My life is filled to the brim with LSAT and work and friends and truly (no, truly) I don’t feel burdened by loniless and loss. But as I lay here in this king size bed I can’t help but wonder what it would feel like to have someone else here. To feel the presence of another, to share this space. It’s been so long since I’ve had that. I don’t need it, I don’t even think I want it. I just wish I could remember what it felt like to have someone trace their fingers across my bare back, to kiss my forehead, to pull me in towards them in the darkest part of the night. Yes I am here, yes I am yours. Please don’t let go?

I didn’t remember that letter

That he said those things. About me. I wonder if he realized at the time that he wasn’t going to live up to those promises, that he was going to leave me hanging per usual. That all feels so long gone and he certainly doesn’t matter to me now. But I guess the words are striking - the nuances he recognized, the delcarations of love. I can’t believe it’s been three years since I’ve had that with someone. Have I put up walls, gained too much weight, become too selfish, too picky? The girl who was seemingly always in a relationship has been on her own for quite a while now. It’s not that I’ve been alone exactly- there’s been flings and hook ups and let downs to fill the time. Still, those were never that. They weren’t built on love letters and late night pizza and mornings when you promised each other you’d stay in bed together all damn day. I miss sharing that type of love. I’ve been hiding from that truth, but there it is. I’m on my own, and I desperately wish that I was not.

What happened with him sucks

But then there’s nights like this, surrounded by people who love you and you remember it’ll all be okay

It’s been years since I felt this. Can you say my name again? Kiss me one more time? I love how hard it is to say goodbye to you, but please don’t make me say it again.

they all knew how my chapter with you would end, even when I️ didn’t want to know it myself. I️ don’t know if that makes me predictable or in denial. Either way it fucking sucks.

I️ do not want this to unravel, truly I️ don’t. I️ can’t stand to chalk up another failed attempt at love to boredom or sex or insecurity. It wouldn’t be true or right. You’re wonderful in a lot of ways- thoughtful, unselfish, affectionate, a better listener than I’ll ever be. You call when you say you will and carve out precious time to meet my friends and remember even the littlest details of my life. “But we love him,” they say. “He does all the right things.” Yes, I️ suppose you do; so why am I writing this? Where has my affection gone astray? I️ think I️ feel most lost from you in the intimate moments… early mornings in your bed, late nights after sex, hand in hand on our way to dinner. I️ want to feel the vulnerability of these minutes, to channel it, expose it even. But you won’t go there, or can’t go there- I️ don’t know yet. I️’ve invited you in openly and eagerly, but you don’t follow through. You listen, politely acknowledge that part of me and move on to more concrete subjects. No questions asked, no reciprocation. Maybe you just move slower or don’t know the right words; after all you only speak with the utmost sensibility and deliberateness. But maybe you just don’t care to journey to my depths; why grapple with anxiety and bulimina and depression and OCD when we can just breeze right over them? How much easier it is to fill those moments with talk of the weather and LSATs and morning Mass. I️ want to scream, be raw, be reckless, stop thinking for one goddamn minute and just be real with me. You talk about being my boyfriend about meeting my parents- what have you done to earn that right? What do you know? You’ve hardly scratched the surface. You haven’t even tried. I️ know I️ need to tell you this, to give you permission (again) to go there with me. To be emotional, open, interested. Please give me more, please care.

I have said, ‘I want somebody who is nothing like him.’ So I met and dated and kissed person after person who could not be more different. But it was never enough, and I never knew why. Until this afternoon, when I heard that song and it all clicked. I may have known that I wanted someone nothing like him, but what I didn’t realize was that I was looking for someone exactly like you.